The pursuit of happiness

It's been far too long since I've done this. I used to write all the time - and then I stopped - and now I'm back.

As a male of the species, I'm probably not always the best at expressing myself - and my job (I've been a professional poker player for the past three and a bit years) probably doesn't help in that sense, as it's a very individual thing.

I think my best ways of expressing my thoughts and feelings are through music, writing and talking to friends. I feel incredibly fortunate that I have a lot of good people in my life - that love me and care about me. They want me to be happy, just as much as I want to be happy.

So I guess the key subject of this particular piece of writing, is happiness. And, since this is a personal piece of writing, my happiness. Do I feel happy? Sometimes, yes. I'm naturally an incredibly positive person - I almost always try to look at the positives and believe in the power of positive thinking. but it's difficult. The last six months have been the hardest of my life. This time last year I was probably the happiest I had ever been. I was living in a beautiful house in Edinburgh; I was crushing at poker; and I had an amazing girlfriend. Fast forward a year and that's all changed: for one reason or another, I can no longer say any of these things.

The last few months of 2012 were incredibly difficult for me; I felt depressed and lonely, especially when I was on my own. Fortunately, I had some great friends and family around me - to help keep me strong and put a smile on my face. And that's what I miss most - that feeling of being happy. I guess, as humans, we're guilty of taking things for granted. Once your life gets to a stage where it feels that good, you expect it will always be that good. And when that changes and you know longer have that feeling, it's incredibly difficult.

In some ways, I'm an incredibly strong person. The nature of my job demands that - 99% of people could never last three months doing poker for a living, let alone three years. You need thick skin - dedication, discipline, commitment, stamina, patience and skill. Just like any sport, you have to work extremely hard and continually be willing to work on your game - but even then there is no guarantee of success. Poker is a game of skill - but also a game which has a high degree of variance. This can lead to some big downswings - and it just so happens that I am experiencing my biggest ever one right now. Sucks, huh?

But that's life - you have to take the good with the bad; the highs with the lows. 'Nobody said it was easy' - Chris Martin was definitely right about that. But life goes on, things change and you have to accept that things may never be the same again. For better or for worse, that's just how it is.

Travelling is my escape; it's my 'go-to'; my getaway. Maybe it's running away from one's problems - or maybe it's just incredibly fun and mind-blowing to go and see new places, experience different cultures and meet amazing new people. I love it - and I feel truly fortunate that I have been to so many wonderful places so far in my life. But I made it happen. My commitment to poker and my hard work has enabled me to go to these places and have these experiences. Some of the people I have met will be friends for the rest of my life.

All I want is to be happy, successful, prosperous and healthy; to make people smile and want to pat me on the back and say: 'man, fucking good job - we're so proud of you.' There's nothing better in life than to make other people feel good. That's one thing I miss about being in a relationship - that feeling of being so valuable to another person, how happy you can make them and the positive influence you can have on their life.

Ever since I started playing poker professionally, people have challenged me or questioned me about it. I fully understand that; it's quite difficult for non poker people to fully comprehend it. I guess the best comparison may be to an investor in volatile markets, such as stocks and shares; it's all about risk vs reward. Would I recommend it to someone as a profession? Well, maybe not; not only do you have to be talented at the game, you require a huge amount of mental toughness. Like finance, it's an incredibly competitive environment; and like my ex-girlfriend used to say: 'there's too many professional poker players!'

Whatever I do, I just want people to support me. I want my friends, my family - the people that matter to me - to get behind me and back me 100%. I'm thinking of going back to university and doing a course in  economics and finance - I'm thinking about my future. My heart lies with poker, but my head tells me I should probably go back and study - gain more knowledge, forge new interests and open up new opportunities for myself. Poker will always play a big part in my life - but there's other things out there too.

Just as the last six months have been the hardest of my life, the next six months could be the most important of my life. I need to be calm, focused and rational in my decision-making and set myself on the right path.

So to anyone who reads this and cares about me, I hope you'll help me on this path and support me in everything I do. How can you do that? Encourage me to work out, eat well, get enough sleep, talk to people (don't keep things to yourself), have fun, work hard, stay focused, keep believing and never, ever give up.

I will find happiness again.

#justdoit   #impossibleisnothing